Monologue Jokes September 3rd-9th, 2020

1. Scientists found bone cancer in a dinosaur commonly found in humans….

   …. Barney has a 3% chance of survival :(

2. Scientists found bone cancer in a dinosaur commonly found in humans….

   …. Because that’s how slow our healthcare system is.

3. Republican operatives are working to get Kanye West on the presidential ballot…

   …. They reportedly wanted to work for a candidate that wasn’t constantly saying crazy shit.

4. Joe Biden said that the black community “wasn’t diverse in thought”

   ….. Which goes with his new campaign slogan “Somehow still less malarkey than the other guy.”

Monologue Jokes July 26- September 2nd, 2020

1. Studies show Covid19 is disproportionately harming African American communities…

   … Just like with police, Republicans think the issue could be fixed if the virus took a little diversity training.

2. Pop-EDM group The Chainsmokers had a concert with no social distancing or masks….

   …Giving Covid the perfect chance to even the score and hurt some white people.

3. The Chainsmokers had a concert with no social distancing or masks….

   …. Just when you thought the song “Closer” couldn’t get more horrifying.

4. President Trump called the protests “worse than what’s going on in Afghanistan”….

   ….He’s right! Portland doesn’t even have any oil we can steal!

Monologue Jokes July 19-25th, 2020

1. A restaurant owner burned a table where Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein used to sit….

   …Meanwhile Jared reserved them a private booth in every Subway across the country.

2.  Donald Trump called WWI and WWII “beautiful wars”…..

   …He later clarified that they aren’t as hot as Ivanka but he still would bang.

3.  When asked about Epstien accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell, Trump said that he “wishes her well”…

   …Sounds like someone is gonna be visiting the “known sex trafficker” section of Hallmark tonight.

4.  Ghalstine Maxwell reportedly kept tin foil over her phone, thinking it would stop her from being discovered…

   …After hearing this Trump put aluminum foil over his tax returns.

5. Christopher Nolan’s new movie “Tenent” has been delayed again….

   …Not because of Covid, current Americans are just too dumb to understand its plot.

Monologue Jokes July 12-18th, 2020

1. Despite rising coronavirus cases, Walt Disney World reopened this weekend….

   …It’s the first theme park where the line is scarier than the rides.

2. Florida set a new record for most recorded Covid cases in one day…

   …To be more cautious, Floridians will now sanitize their alligators before snorting meth off of them.

3. Trump threatened to cut funding for schools that didn’t reopen in the fall….

   …Trump cited his own intelligence as what can go wrong without proper education.

4. Residents at a nursing home recreated iconic album covers with pictures of themselves….

   …The internet was impressed but it didn’t make any of their grandchildren want to visit.

5. Trump is now using his Instagram to promote Goya beans….

   … Because nothing says “presidential” like telling the American people you’ve been farting a lot.

Monologue Jokes- July 6th-11th, 2020

1. Amy Mcgrath defeated Charles Booker in the KY Senate primary…

   …That’s like getting promised a Prince concert only to show up and see Amy Mcgrath instead.

2. KFC’s new Zinger Fillets are being called the “ultimate hangover cure”…..

   …The only weird part is they must be taken anally.

3. Harry Styles is reading a bedtime story for people on the Calm app….

   …So get ready to be turned on by The Giving Tree.

4. A Muslim woman is suing Starbucks after a barista wrote “ISIS” on her cup….

   …The barista was instantly named the town’s new police chief.

5. CNN reports that the US is in a “free fall” with Covid19…..

   …The term “free fall” not to be confused with the number of cases which is soaring.

Monologue Jokes- June 29- July 5th, 2020

1. Derek Chauvin’s lawyer’s say the court has been bias against him on his charge of murdering George Floyd….

   …By watching the video where he committed the murder.

2. Derek Chauvin’s lawyer’s say the court has been bias against him on his charge of murdering George Floyd…. 

   …And if there’s one thing Chauvin understands it’s personal bias.

3. The bass player for Maroon 5 is being charged with domestic violence….

   …The victims were every household that watched their Super Bowl halftime show.

4. The bass player for Maroon 5 is being charged with domestic violence….

   …What kind of moves did they think McJagger had exactly?

5. An Adidas rep is in trouble for calling the national conversations about racism “unnecessary noise”…..

   …The only unnecessary noise he likes is white noise.

Monologue Jokes- June 21-28, 2020

1. A millionaire in England is hosting the first recorded “socially distanced sex party”….

   …I didn’t know people who went to sex parties were worried about transmitting diseases.

2. A recent study showed that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve been in 50 years….

   …It should be noted that 50 years ago they only asked white people.

3. A millionaire in England is hosting the first recorded “socially distanced sex party”….

   …The safe word is coughing and everyone will get right off you.

4. When asked about the lack of black podcasters at The Ringer, Bill Simmons said “it’s a business not an open mic night”…

   …With so many white men on microphones it might as well be an open mic night.

5. Mel Gibson is in trouble after calling Winona Ryder an “oven dodger”….

   …A better nickname for a Jewish woman would be a Mel Gibson dodger.

Monologue Jokes- June 15-21, 2020

1. This week more white people are going to celebrate Juneteenth than ever before….

   …Mainly because the “before white people” are why this holiday has to exist in the first place.

2. Male comedians are being criticized for their silence on Chris D'elia’s sexual misconduct accusations….

   …As a male comedian let me be the first to say I think its horrible that he was ever popular.

3. A video of a country singing family at a Trump rally has gone viral….

   …Personally I liked Kenny Chesney’s older stuff better.

4. Indie folk singer Phoebe Bridgers is releasing a new album called Punisher….

   …The Punishment for listening to it is depression.

5. The Supreme Court voted to uphold DACA……

   …Brett Kavanaugh reacted by boofing all over his robe.

Monologue Jokes- June 7-14th, 2020

1. In an effort to be more sensitive Lady Antebellum announced they are changing their name…

   Unfortunately the new name is... Mrs. Jim Crow? 

2. In an effort to be more sensitive Lady Antebellum announced they are changing their name to “Lady A”…

   …The A stands for Antifa.

3. The TV show “cops” is cancelled amid protests of police brutality…

   …If you still want videos of police abusing their power check your local body-cam.

4. HBO Max temporarily removed Gone with the Wind to add a discussion about it’s racial content……

   …HBO will be doing the same thing to the state of Alabama. 

5. HBO Max temporarily removed  Gone with the Wind to add a discussion about it’s racial content….

   …This will become news as soon as we figure out what HBO Max is.