Monologue Jokes July 12-18th, 2020

1. Despite rising coronavirus cases, Walt Disney World reopened this weekend….

   …It’s the first theme park where the line is scarier than the rides.

2. Florida set a new record for most recorded Covid cases in one day…

   …To be more cautious, Floridians will now sanitize their alligators before snorting meth off of them.

3. Trump threatened to cut funding for schools that didn’t reopen in the fall….

   …Trump cited his own intelligence as what can go wrong without proper education.

4. Residents at a nursing home recreated iconic album covers with pictures of themselves….

   …The internet was impressed but it didn’t make any of their grandchildren want to visit.

5. Trump is now using his Instagram to promote Goya beans….

   … Because nothing says “presidential” like telling the American people you’ve been farting a lot.